Machinations

Today's ABC

Apresski – The entertainment after the skiing, good in Whistler.

Bali – A firm October plan?

Beijing – Tomorrow’s destination on flight KA996

Blue bead – Something precious I lost. Edith must have cleaned it out

Crunches – Rob has killer concoctions of the abs kind

Dead weight lift – It means you’re dead after the weight lift

Erwin, Steve – Oz’s beloved croc hunter who was killed by a sting ray at 44 (!)

Edith – Only cleaned my weekend mess, not other life’s mess. Still, can’t live without her

Flowers - What they replaced the bamboo with at the office lobby

Guard – It looks like I can’t get out of the waving routine with all manner of security guards

Hot chocolate – A non-caffeinated vicarious after-dinner coffee moment

Hup Fong – Corrugated package manufacturer which is a play on the ongoing demand structural shift.

Kaz, Ray and Adrian – Erstwhile dinner companions

Late – For work, yet again. Consequence of preceding nite’s activity.

Life – The organic vegetarian restaurant

Luxe – A city guide for Beijing

Malaysia – Product conference call today at 5.15

Nothing – on my gmail, msn, friendster and text tonite.

Organic – can be surprisingly good

Pink – The colour of another note I found in my cufflink box.

Queer – what Adrian and Ray are not, but definitely happy

Robert – PT to a science

Sign – none of it today, unlike yesterday. See Nothing

Tsui Wah – central’s legendary char chan tang that has ridiculous lunchtime crowd

Tattoos – even if its painful, you gotta go on. So don’t choose intricate feathery types

Taxis - a rarity at 8am

U-Turn – The one I made when Kosmo Café had a long lunch time queue, even at 2pm.

Vancouver – A good apresski for Whistler

Wok-fried soba – recommended item at Life

Whistler – Snowboarding seems an appealing proposition

Ex – maybe I should start a file

Y – why why why?

Sze – best friend and the best chat

Spooky Central

Ms Pang gives highly unstructured mandarin lessons which are more conversational than reading from the text book. Everytime I met her, she will ask whether I’ve had any unusual experiences during the week.

Today I told her about the incident of the death of two bamboo tree clusters in the lobby of the building where I work. They’ve been there since I arrived in HK, evergreen and standing the heights of the high ceilings, adding some rustic to an otherwise marble-cold lobby. They gave me an aloof greeting on each work morning and granted me a token peace moment everytime I paid them a glance. The story goes that the bamboo trees were good feng shui to counter the inauspicous grounds on which the building stands.

A few weeks ago I noticed that the top of the trees turned copper brown and I was hoping that it wasn’t the beginning of the inevitable. Both of the trees turned brown at the same time suggesting that the notion of risk spreading by having 2 clusters had no place here. It was as if evil knew no concept of time and space. In a matter of days, it happened. The circular earthy foundations where the trees once stood were replaced by incongruous wooden covers that had a “do not sit” sign on them. With the good fengshui overcome, will bad things befall the building’s inhabitants?

I asked Ms Pang if she was scared. She instead replied with a few Tales of the Unexplained.

Neon representations of birds that supposedly suck blood adorn the roof of a casino hotel in Macau. Visitors can’t check into any rooms on floors 18-21 – they are inhabited by ghosts. In this casino, big winners usually lose all their money before leaving. If you want to have any winning chances, you have to carry small balls, forgive the innuendos, which the ghosts finding irresistable to play with, will leave you alone. Macau ghosts are apparently tamed by ballsy gamblers.

A man in HK on a late night accosted by a feng shui master was urged to have his fortune read. He relented after some reluctance and was told of great fortune befalling him on a certain time and date. He decided to test out the prediction, ending up incidentally at the Macau neon blood-sucking birds and balls-playing ghost casino. He started off with small bets but when the winnings started ballooning to obscenely big amounts, really big bets soon became the norm. He was consumed by a winning high; the swelling crowd were tipped as they enjoyed the spectacle. But as it happens with all stories of this kind, fortune always exacted a caveat with her generosity. It slipped the HK man’s mind that he was told by the feng shui guy to leave at a certain time, resulting in the dwindling and subsequent total loss of all his winnings.

A friend of a friend of a friend of Ms Pang bought an old house with an enormous price tag as HK properties are wont to have. The first night upon moving in, she heard voices outside her room. She checked it out – nothing. This happened for a few nights until she decided, with what I thought to be fantastic ballsyness, to tell “them” to leave her alone. “They” said no way, that is where they live, why doesn’t SHE leave them alone, “they” inquired. But a lot of money including renovation costs have been spent on the property, she pleaded. They said, not a problem, “we’ll pay you back with profits on condition you move out and leave the property untenanted.” HOW? It’s not as though spirits could just instruct some celestial private bankers to make the money transfers. Imparting of lottery numbers became the payment method; she bet on those numbers, won a lot of money and moved out. Ghosts from the land of the freest economy in the world understand capitalism.

A woman dreamt of her dead son asking her to make marriage arrangements for him. Her son gave her the address of his supposed fiancee, detailing street, building, flat number and surrounding landmarks. She woke up puzzled but decided to pursue the matter to let her son’s spirit rest in peace. As she made the journey, the surroundings fit the dream’s description. Upon arrival, she discovered the girl’s family needed no explanation as the girl’s mother had also dreamt of her dead daughter’s request to marry. Till even death they don’t part.

Gym changing room etiquette

1. If you are out of shape, make it a point to admire yourself in the mirror. Direct your (possibly) flabby butt within viewing angle. Turn around and study the contours of your (possibly) hidden six-pack.

2. Think of as many ways as you can to use the hair dryer. Dry your socks. Dry your shoes. Dry your armpits. Dry your back hair. For drying shoes, it is acceptable to submerge the hair dryer into your shoe. Hygiene considerations are not of great import in this zone. Ditto for socks. Blow air into it and turn it into a balloon-like thing. Oh, and dry your hair too.

3. When weighing yourself on the weighing machine, it is imperative that you are totally naked. Exercising modesty by wrapping a towel round you will distort weighing results. If you have the time and equipment, shave your bodily hairs and clip your nails before embarking onto the weighing machine. This will ensure a most accurate reading.

4. During the crowded hour, scatter your bag, shoes, towel, shirt, trousers, briefs, tumbler, watch, keys, jacket, socks, dirty clothes, clean clothes, cologne and office access tag over the full length of the bench that lines the lockers. Preventing other members from opening their lockers is an extension of your weight training programme.

5. Expose your sexual orientation: stare. This is a time to be open.

6. Expose your sexual orientation II: Use the face towel to wrap yourself.

7. Use phone conversations to profile yourself. Just like friendster. Other members would be interested to know more about you.

Yellow Forever Victory

I re-started (yet again) my Mandarin lessons today with Pang(2) Lao Shi. A previous teacher of my colleague's, she is an attractive, Channel-lugging, buxom forty-something,  who plies the investment banking circuit. We managed to negotiate an hourly rate of HK$300 for a 24-hour block (not all at once, of course), a deep discount to her usual HK$600-700/hour. OK mom, I regret having fretted about those precious, cheap lessons from when I was a kid. For agreeing to teach me at that rate, either she believes it is her noble duty to further Mandarin education among the Overseas Chinese populace or I (yet again) managed to get duped into overpaying for a service in Hong Kong. Her prognosis is that 24 hours is definitely not enough, so a second 24-hour block may be in order. This is after the first lesson which included a discourse in Mandarin of a comparison of women's attitudes across the Far East (Singaporeans are smart, Malaysians soft spoken, Hong Kongers aggressive, Taiwanese  materialistic and Japanese respectful).

I'm also very happy to learn that my Chinese name is not in the list of ethnic names deemed unsuitable by the Malaysian government coincidentally released today. We are very lucky to have such a government who takes it upon themselves to regulate such important life issues as name-calling which is a great evil in our society. I reproduce here the list, probably not exhaustive, of Unsuitable Names courtesy of the National Registration Department.

Hokkien

Ah Chwar (snake); Ang Mor (red-haired); Heoy Kay (turkey); Hor Kianh (tiger cub); Khiow Koo (hunchback); Tok Sim (strong-hearted- and why is that bad?); Tua Pooi (fat); Tua Bug (big eyes)

Cantonese

Ai Chai (midget); Chow Kow (smelly dog); Chow Tow (smelly head); Sor Chai (insane); Kou Lou (long legged); Tai Ngan (buffalo); Soh Low (big and clumsy); Tai Yee (big ears)

Mandarin

Ar Loo (donkey); Hwai Sze (naughty child); Chang Chee (prostitute); Ho Sze (monkey); Sun Choo (wild boar); Tha Thaw (big head); Chue Sze (piglet); Sze Kwee (dead ghost)

Indian

Karrupusamy (black god); Pitchaikaran(beggar); Periyannan (big brother)

Again

There are smiles and there are smiles. There are laughters that are genuine and there are laughters which are attempted supressions but when allowed to escape are the most beautiful things in the world. I made a joke once, it was about you. You tried not to laugh but couldn’t help it. And that was the best thing in the world that I’ve ever seen.

Lantau Island

 

The sign is a misnomer. All destinations? Ok, I should get a life. Wait, I do have a life, I'm going to Lantau Island. Don't ask the Honkeys about this - they've never been there.

Entrance to IFC mall. Those posters are 3 storeys - really huge. Nobody notices the scale. Society is desensitised to scale when juxtaposed against gigantic structures

What I see is an abstraction of a round shape thing made of red and yellow cylinders. It's nicely hung from the ceiling juxtaposed in a glass background. "Juxtapose" is always a good word to describe art.

IFC mall is spotless, thanks to this lady. Don't throw shit on the floor and ruin her day.

Do you believe me now when I say the IFC is enormous? By the way, FYI this is the way to the pier to take the ferry. The day was humid, so it was a nice to walk thru the airconditioned mall.

Most of HK is built on reclaimed land. The harbour is getting smaller. Soon you could just leap from HK island to Kowloon.

This isn't Lantau yet but this island must have a name. For convenience. I'll just name it the lighthouse island.  

 

I was really happy today (sunday). I was just wondering if all these people disembarking were feeling the same.

We are in remote Lantau. My host, Yuki, filling up her car on the way to her home which is about a ten km ride into greenery.

...

The party house! Good food, good conversation and the nite ended with a performance of belly dance and jazz jamming. All weekends should be like this.

Pot-redundant trip

By the time I get out the door and press the lift button, I’m feeling pretty good. Of course I check myself out in the lift mirrors, impressions are important and I won’t give a fuck if the cameras mistake diligence for vanity. Then I walk to my car. There is some construction around but it’s pointless letting these thing get you down. Plot ratios will always cause temporary view disruptions. The surroundings are classily illuminated by orange light. If you need to spruce up an old house, shine an orange light on the exterior. Need to make your old car look good? Park next to an orange light. Feeling depressed? Go towards the orange light.  On the drive out I will pass the boom gate. I wave to the guard, feeling a bit self-conscious at how impressive I may be looking. OK maybe I’m vain. Or maybe it’s the orange light. I pass MKIS. I used to question if this was a symbol of class oppression but I think that’s too harsh. Then I think it’s funny how we stop for schoolchildren to cross the road just because we’re in Mont Kiara but in SS2 we had to be careful of cars as students. Marmalade! Apparently some whining girl caused the name change from Gecko to something annoyingly saccharide. Gone are the days when I used to order breakfast by phone. The lawn of grass is still green as most MK denizens respect the “do not walk on grass” sign. Baskin Robins. I don’t even know if that’s spelt with one or two B’s but I’m glad to say I’ve been educated in the ways of the chocolate chip. The U-turn is what gives this side of Mont Kiara an edge over the others in the vicinity: we don’t have to wait at the lights to get to KL. There are a few mildly challenging bends en route to the main road. Brake before you hit the bends. Accelerate as you take the bend. It’s amazing how in a few seconds on a clear evening, you hit KL proper. The twin hotels indicate that. One is popular, the other not, judging by the number of illuminated rooms. They look like pistols shooting into the air: is that good feng shui? I always thought that the King’s palace was in an odd location and had an odd history. It’s not in a “respectable” neighbourhood like how the Buckingham is and it was bought from a rich chinaman. Not too far ahead, the cemetery’s chimney is creepily Auschwitz but Sze thinks cemeteries are worth exploring. There is a famous wantan mee stall that really sells noodle chap fan style, apart from wantans, you load whatever delicious offerings there are onto your noodles. This stall is wantan stall by night but car accessories specialist by day. How’s that for diversification? The turnoff to the roundabout is easy to miss but a wrong turn can be easily fixed by a variety of ways. It’s not something you would know, you’d have to be taught about these things. The big fruit shed has bright lights (not orange but fluorescent) and give fruits and vendor a happy feel. Then I come to an intersection. I have to turn right. I absolutely have no idea what will happen if I turned left. This is like a boundary of a special world that awaits further exploration.. I have stopped at the traffic lights but this doesn’t have the normal effect of pissing me off. This is where I type a one-word message into my phone which I will send as I turn right. It will be just the right timing. I approach another boundary where if I went straight ahead, and not turn like I’m supposed to, will result in very frustrating consequences. I turn and enter into a different world. Not alien but not mine. There’s a popular mamak at the corner. This guy is filled to the brim. He has a pool centre under his name. What next? A spa? A pawnbroker? An outdoor furniture supplier perhaps. Then I stop outside someone’s house because this is a convenient parking. And I wait. This is a quaint, quaint place. The journey starts here.

Bank Negara vs Japan???

 

It tickles me no end to discover that our august central bank has issued gold coins with bottlenose dolphins minted on under the “endangered species series”. First of all, since when have they been so concerned about the environment? Secondly, do bottlenose dolphines really conjure homey feelings for Malaysians? Nope, not as much as the orangutan anyway. Research also shows that apparently bottlenose dolphins are NOT endangered. They exist in abundant numbers in the Gulf of Mexico, North Pacific and Japanese coasts, the North Atlantic and the Mediterranean.

We have to thank BNM for years of prudent accomodative monetary policy, but their puzzling choice of theme may also have inadvertently got them involved in a silent war with our long time friend, Japan. The International Whaling Commission was recently taken over by Japan (who I’m told bribed small nations into voting her), which threatens to reverse decades-old ban on whale hunting, a wide category of which covers bottlenose dolphins.

On the issue of Japan, let me get it off my chest that they did screw us at least once (for the record, that is a lot less times than Dr M screwed us). The Proton project, one of Mahathir’s pets, gave Mistubishi a stake in return for “technical transfer”. The “technical transfer” didn’t happen because it’s clear we are still technically stupid after 20 years. What did happen was Proton got a lot of cash and profits through protective taxes that made Malaysians pay too much for their cars. Mitsubishi smartly sold out a few years ago at high prices. Proton’s share price subsequently crashed on the threat of global competition.

OK, didn’t mean to be too political. My apologies. Let’s get back to something more pleasant. Here is a list of things that could have been minted on the gold coin to allow BNM to kiss the govt’s ass and give it a more honest propaganda (dammit, I’m being political again, sorry):

Proton car series (yeah!!!)
Perodua car series
Twin Towers
KL Tower
LRT station series – especially Masjid Jamek and Sentral
Putrajaya bridges and man-made lakes series
The Prime Ministers of Malaysia series
The ex-deputy Prime Ministers of Malaysia series

Real enivronmental issues that could be minted on the gold coin (the word “endangered” may be added in certain series):
The Penans series
The Rainforests series
The Wetlands series
The Heritage Buildings series
The Wild Pollution Index series
The Hills series – Frasers, Camerons, Penang, Gasing etc
The Places of Worship series

In the long run, we're all dead

I once knew someone. I was shamelessly rummaging through friendster. It’s a dark habit of someone who has nothing better to do with his time. I mean I could be out golfing or hanging out with my beer bellied friends like what most uncles do, but I do seem to have a problem defining my persona. Am I hittting mid-life crisis early? Anyway this isnt about me.

So this someone- she was quite the object of my desire, gorgeous and smart. I discovered occasionally embracing the joy of standing back from thinking with your dick, allowing an inner beauty to consume you, can be quite fulfilling.  The FHM mag I picked up while having a haircut wasn’t shitting me.

Our initiation was a brainless opener by yours truly (what else would I have been capable of?) on the friendster message function. To my utter astonishment and pleasant surprise she responded. What was it that made her do it? Was it my revolting primary pic (at that point showcasing the wonderful delights of a monster grimace)? was it my witty and humble self-description?  Was it her quest for self mutilation or even charity? But anyhow, that  started a long series of communication.

Re: seriously (18 Mar)
Me: you’re yummy
Her: and seriously, you’ve got a bad perception of what’s yummy. :P haha *smacks you.

Re: seriously (19 Mar)
Her: I major in the art of shopping. U?
Me: I’d like to think of myself as an informed bummer
Her: I like to pretend I’m a lot of things but reality isn’t so kind sometimes :P how old are you anyway *_*
Me: 35 going on 25 and still digesting the philosophy of botox
Her: yea, surreal realities are the bomb :) kinda makes you think existence isn’t so bad after all hmm?
Me: after the gym just now, I ended up buying 180 bucks worth of mags. Just imagine the sheer toilet hours.

Re: You have won a trip to Las Vegas (21 Mar)
Me: good morning, just a little personal spam from me
Her: urgh! Evil spammer!! >:( I intend to send you “enlarge your penis by 20 inches”
Me: lol! I knew size matters but 20 inches? What does one do with the rest of the 12?  Hahaha
Her: * ignores julian from hereon *

Re: We really need a new title (7 Apr)
Her: need an accomplice for world domination? I work cheap. All u gotta do is pay me in chocolates
Me: how can a girl with a quest for world domination be only satisfied with chocolates as payment?
Her: Leonidas! Its not cheap. RM21 for 7 itty bitty pieces :P

Re: We really really really need a new title (8 Apr)
Me: So what do you play?
Her: haha do u reeeeallly wanna know?
Me: yes please
Her: lol oh no no no :P these secrets I cannot expose or I might just have to kill you ^^

Re: ;) (9 Apr)
Me: I think im gonna start The Citizens’ Royal Society of Housing Estates and Pretty Middle Class Suburbia. This is so that we the elite class have a chance to categorise and identify a pool of bourgeoisie, shower our love and charity on them.
Her: rofl :P lemme join, I live in maluri, cheras. And I like being showered in love and charity.

…and so it went on. And we exchanged some love and charity. I think this is someone who will move on to great things. But I’m just thinking.. we really don’t know each other that well even tho we shared a lot. And that disturbs me. Because chat and messaging are unreal. You operate on a somewhat superficial level.  Here’s a really morbid thought: if I’m dead tomorrow, she wouldn’t know.

Bus Uncle

School children in Malaysia for some strange reason refer to a school bus as "uncle bus". The reason I reckon is probably a collective infantile subconscious to provide a simple way to name their bus driver. But in Hong Kong, another phenomenon of a more sinister nature has gripped the city - that of the bus unlce video. The video,  captured secretly (or not, cynics argue) by a commuter's mobile phone, of a heated exchange between an elderly man and a young man in a bus. The altercation was triggered by the old man getting really pissed after being tapped on the shoulder by the young man, requesting for him to lower his voice while he was chatting on the phone. You name it, everyone is talking about this- radio talk show hosts, taxi drivers, local and international media such as the Asian Wall St Journal and Channel News Asia etc and they are talking about it everyday, people are creating rap music about this and printing t-shirts with the "I've got pressure" tagline. It's beginning to taper off but up until last week, we were really getting bus-uncled out.

As I watched the video, I couldn't help but feel this is Darwinism in a modern social context, i.e. survival of the fittest in brinkmanship. While Uncle's flare up was obviously an instinctive reaction, his ensuing antics seemed more calculated than meets the eye, if only purely for venting his anger. To put it simplistically, Uncle won. Uncle won and bus boy lost the argument. Although public sympathy would align with the boy's ethics and moral position, he was unable to back a need to educate with enforcement skills. His obvious fear for his safety precipitated a costly face loss not only among fellow commuters but these poor guys were tracked down by the hungry press for the gossip hungry public. Uncle on the other hand capitalised on his being bigger, older (suggesting authority), ability to philosophise, willingness to be embarrassed and not least his aggression to gain an upperhand in the situation.

That said, everybody won. Tempers have calmed. Bus uncle got a job as a PR man with a famous restaurant. Bus boy, as it turned out, is pretty entrepreneurial, owning a property agency at 23, probably also got a boost from the publicity. The media may also likely to create little careers out of extracting gossip fodder by following the lives of these individuals.